Fig. 1 - the people of Tidworth waving off liberation forces heading for London, warning them to avoid the A303, especially that really slow bit near Stonehenge
Here at The Egg Banjo, we’re all about high-quality, peer-reviewed content (well, Craig skim-reads my copy while shot-gunning cans of Special Brew). And this week, due to the incompetence at Number 10, we’re taking a look at how to stage a full-on military coup d’état. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. You have, haven’t you? It’s okay. I have too.
Change you can believe in
Fig. 2 – Meet the new UK Brexit negotiator, miles better than that Ollie Robbins bloke
Naturally, I’d never advocate overthrowing Parliamentary democracy (I’m not Rishi Sunak, dammit). But the current crop of politicians are, to use a technical phrase, a shower of shit. I’m sure many former and serving soldiers have thought to themselves, ‘Cpl. Snooks the biff-chit-happy company clerk could do a better job than Liz Truss’. Dammit, I reckon a regimental goat would be preferable to most of the lizards vying for a billet in Downing Street.
Rule 1 – The Plan
Fig. 3 – Oliver Cromwell proves that forty tooled-up squaddies are no match for Parliament
Franco plotted his coup in the Canary Islands, urging the army to rise against the Spanish government by radio broadcast (when he wasn’t telling Scousers ‘no, I’m not going for a free drink in your nightclub’). General Pinochet got CIA backing when he hijacked the Chilean government. The Thai army has so many coups they’re pencilled-in next to public holidays. And Oliver Cromwell? He simply marched forty squaddies into Parliament and banned Christmas. They all had a plan. Therefore, the main problem for our notional coup is the Government Zone, defended by shed-loads of armed coppers. Rather than fight, a better plan would be to negotiate, offering the former Prime Minister, Theresa May, as hostage to the Police Federation. Coppers hate May, as Home Secretary she screwed them over big-time. In return, the Police stand down and let those army guard service blokes stag-on instead.
Fig. 4 – Theresa May discovers she’s about to be handed over to the Police Federation as a hostage
Rule 2 – Seize the airport
Every half-decent coup involves seizing an airport. I’m not sure why, maybe its access to the duty-free shop, or because Wetherspoons is open at 0500? Anyhow, the problem for a British military coup would be the RAF Regiment. They’ve turned something simple, like stagging-on at an airfield, into something called the ‘Complex Air / Ground Environment’ (CAGE). Apparently this takes the brains of an archbishop. To see what I mean, check this out:
Fig. 5 – to you and me, this is a small airfield. To a Rock Ape it’s a ‘Complex Air Ground Environment’
The obvious solution is to send the Rocks to Stanstead, which is a crappy airport in Essex nobody cares about. Or Luton, perhaps, telling them the Marriott is booked specially (you know how Crabs love hotels). Heathrow, on the other hand, is the big one as far as our coup is concerned (because it’s actually in London, not pretending to be like Gatwick). That’s easily disrupted by two Royal Sigs lance-jacks with a drone they bought off Amazon. Then the crack squadron of plain-clothes Sappers deployed into Wetherspoons the night before can drunkenly storm the control tower and threaten to skiff the ATC staff if they don’t comply with their demands. Job done.
Rule 3 – Take over the TV & Radio station
This one’s tricky, and a rule written before the Internet was A Thing. Ideally, we’d need to take over the whole of the Worldwide Web, which is why we need the shadowy infowarfare operators of 77 Bde. Actually, no we don’t, because they talk in babble and nobody understands what they do (even them).
Fig. 6 – 77 Brigade in action. This elite infowarfare technician is actually holding the ENTIRE INTERNET in her hand. Furthermore, as part of her training, she can switch it on and off using the power OF HER MIND!
All that’s required is a successful YouTube channel called ‘Coup LOL’ or something. We find two reasonably telegenic young soldiers, preferably with ADHD, and let them play video games while a NCO supplies them with sugary snacks and Jaeger-bombs. They tell the kids what a great idea direct rule via a military Junta would be, and how much it would piss off their parents. Voila! Who cares what the BBC says? Everyone’s watching Netflix anyway. And for the 77 Bde person reading this… you can have that one for free, mate.
Rule 4 – Appoint a charismatic figurehead
Fig. 7 – this is not a charismatic figurehead, it’s someone about to do the time-warp again
A military coup needs a figurehead. Someone who can persuade, cajole and inspire. I know it’s difficult to imagine Colonel Ghaddafi as a dashing young army officer (he was in 1969, before he got a perm), but you can’t have a Junta without a Generalissimo. Most of the general staff, I suspect, aren’t up for this – it’d fuck their chances of getting knighted or a peerage. That leaves two other options, (a) find a lower-ranking Rupert prepared to take the risk, or (b) choose one via a reality TV show called ‘Junta Island’. After the public are informed of their new army overlords by ‘Coup LOL’ on YouTube, a competition will be announced – 12 young, hot military officers will be flown to Diego Garcia. When they arrive, they’ll perform command tasks in revealing swimwear while the public vote for our new Dictator for Life!
Fig. 8 – Sandhurst intake 2/2024… pretending to cross shark-infested custard on Diego Garcia
There’s the glorious future under Britain’s future military government – a regimental goat negotiating with Brussels, Theresa May festering in a police cell, 432s breaking down on the A303 en route to Whitehall, army-run YouTube gaming channels 24/7 and bikini-clad officer babes prancing about on telly. And the RAF Regiment defending the Marriott at Luton airport FOREVER, a Complex Air / Accommodation Environment (with room service). Why would anyone want to bother voting again?
0 Comments