Warfare wasn’t always a game of heavily armed hide-and-seek. In fact, it was quite the opposite, a riot of pomp and circumstance. In days of yore, warriors deliberately sported gaudy decorations on their armour, wore bright red coats or, like Polish Hussars, angel-wings on their backs. The Japanese, bless ‘em, even flew flags from their uniforms. Peacocking soldiers were like rappers, but with superior trigger discipline, boasting martial bling designed to both impress and intimidate.

“Paint me like your French Girls…” the early years

Armies started adopting drab-coloured uniforms in the late 19^th Century, notably the British in Africa. Some suggest the Boers were crack shots, others that a bloke wearing a scarlet tunic on the tan-coloured veldt might be difficult to miss.

As for disruptive patterns, official histories suggest camouflage as we know it originated during the Great War, when French artists began painting stuff to make it less visible from the air or enemy trench networks (actually a dangerous job – some ‘camofleurs’ were killed putting up fake trees with hidden observation posts inside). And if you weren’t proud of Blighty before, did you know a Brit invented the first ever cam net? The world-famous ghillie suit also saw its first appearance during WW1, used by snipers to hide in no-man’s land.

This is all very well, but was this the genuine origin of DPM camouflage? I say no! This is precisely the sort of nonsense peddled by mainstream historians with books to sell and ‘facts’ to peddle. Any qualified punk historian, via a quick Google search, can tell you DPM was invented during the Hyborian era (which was a VERY long time ago), when a young recce-type called Conan ordered his troop to cam-up when carrying out CTRs on an evil cultist lair. (WARNING – by clicking on that link you will see Conan trying to kill Lemmy from Motorhead by drowning him in soup made from human heads. War has always been hell)

World War Two – Denison smocks, Zeltbahn and pea-dot…

WW2 is when things began to hot up in the world of camouflage, as developments in technologies such as aircraft and squad-level automatic weapons prioritised concealment. Ze Germans were first off the mark, issuing soldiers with the  Zeltbahn raincape from the early 1930s, with its distinctive ‘splinter’ pattern camouflage pattern.

However, it was the goose-stepping baddies of the SS who pioneered full-on camouflage rig, shadowing a common theme in the history of camo… interservice rivalry. The SS, being the Nazis pet army, wanted first dibs on the all the best kit, not to mention look different from the stiff-collared Wehrmacht. This led to the introduction of a host of reversible camouflage uniforms from 1935 onwards, usually seasonal, including the now-famous pea-dot (Erbsenmuster) pattern. Still, soldiers are soldiers, with some SS troops adopting Italian para smocks, preferring the baggy style and camo pattern (like football hooligans, who by the 1980s were going mental for Stone Island and other Italian clobber).

By 1945, Ze Germans had even trialled camouflage with anti-infrared properties, suggesting a problem with priorities to say the least. Dunno about you, but if I had a couple of million angry Russians rampaging on my borders, I might have better things to worry about than being seen in the dark.

The Nazi adoption of camouflage uniforms, ironically, made the Allies think twice about using it themselves – in NW Europe anyone wearing DPM was assumed to be German and shot at (as some Americans wearing camo found out). Even in the Pacific theatre, the Americans considered olive drab superior to camouflage, phasing out camo uniforms for the Marine Corps by 1944.

Nonetheless, Ze Germans inspired the allyest piece of uniform of WW2 (this is a scientific fact, by the way, agreed by me and three mates in the pub)… the Denison Smock. Wearing one immediately makes the wearer more virile, handsome, manly and gives a +10 hit point bonus versus Nazis.

The Denison smock was heavily influenced by the German paratrooper’s equivalent, the so-called ‘knochensack’ (bone-sack). Airborne troops needed a windproof overgarment that could be used to stow kit, not get tangled on a static line and, most crucially, look ally as fuck at all times. The earliest smocks, issued from 1940, were hand-painted so no two were identical, and by the time they were replaced by DPM in 1978, the much-loved Denison had served airborne troops for nearly forty years. I last saw one being worn by an RAF reservist in the early 1990s, a linguist who teamed it with a rakish pair of cords and suede desert boots. Along with his officer’s chip-bag hat and pipe, it was a classic piece of British don’t-give-a-fuckery.

DPM: The Brits Hold Fast

In 1966 the British army decided to issue camouflage uniforms to all of its personnel. By 1968 a four-colour temperate DPM (‘Pattern 68’ or P68) was issued, and would stay broadly the same until 2010. This makes DPM one of the longest-surviving camouflage patterns in history (cue swelling patriotic music). Brit DPM has been copied by armies and fashion-houses worldwide – you’ll see it worn by African militias and on Milan catwalks.

During its lifespan, DPM received several upgrades (P84 / 94 / 95), including those trousers with the horrible flappy pockets. There were also some lusted-after variations – junglies, wind-proofs and so on. And, of course, the Dangerous Brian hat, the most awesome piece of military headgear ever issued.

As an aside, and unlike the Yanks (see below), HM Forces decided the P95 pattern would become a tri-service uniform, a sensible decision that would save money and duplication (as we shall see, the Yanks love fucking this stuff up). Plus, the average fifty-year old RAF corporal usually looks fab in combat gear.

A Sandy TWAT

In 2001 Tony Blair decided the British army would spend the next couple of decades cutting about in horrible sandy places (fighting The War Against Terror, or TWAT, for short). The army already had a desert DPM uniform from the first Gulf War in 1991, a two-colour effort that would remain in service until the adoption of Multicam around 2010.

Of course, there wasn’t enough desert uniforms to go around, with many Telic veterans telling me they went to war dressed in a bizarre collection of kit (a big grumble was the lack of desert boots and, er, ammunition). I dunno why there was a shortage of desert DPM though, as every civilian builder, student and bloke-down-the-pub I saw seemed to have a pair of the trousers.

Then, from 2002-2014, the army was also deployed on Op. HERRICK in Afghanistan, a place which would have a tremendous impact on British military equipment, training and doctrine.

Enter Multi-Terrain Pattern… and brown boots

The supreme alchemy of camouflage is to find the one pattern to rule them all! A camouflage suitable for any terrain, from arid savannah to the jungliest of jungles. It’s why grey, that most neutral of colours, was adopted by so many 20^th century armies. Why is this so important? It saves money. Why take two sets of combat gear into the shower, when you can just MTP and go?

Which leads us to Afghanistan. The country is in parts arid and mountainous, in others green and forested. The existing sandy-yellow DPM was less than optimal when tabbing up verdant hillsides one day and through dusty villages the next, so squaddies did what squaddies always do and bought their own gear. One camouflage pattern popular with coalition forces, especially the Americans, was Multicam by an American company called Crye Precision. In early 2011 the CS95 combat gear was withdrawn and replaced by Multi-Terrain Pattern kit, closely modelled on Crye’s original design.

Paler than temperate DPM but darker than the desert version, MTP is meant to be the camouflage equivalent of Mummy Bear’s porridge – just right. It’s also a rare example of the army listening to people in the field, as Crye’s camo pattern was by far the most favoured by operational troops. As for the brown boots? They look a bit orthopaedic to me, but hey I don’t have to wear ‘em.

Team America: the Great Cam Wars

One of the American military’s greatest strengths is its size. On the other hand, one of its biggest weaknesses is… its size. As each arm jealously guards its identity and esprit de corps, they’re allowed to develop, trial and procure their own stuff.

Well, I’m going to call bullshit on their official explanation for having so many uniforms, not when there are fiefdoms to be defended, contracts to be awarded and projects to be implemented – a giant bureaucracy, pissed on tax dollars and power. Critics, many inside the US military, suggest America’s uniform wars are more about politics, vanity and budgets. I can’t help but think how a British Royal Marine wears the same MTP as an RAF cook, but the RAF cook doesn’t get to wear a green lid. Job done. Soldiers read uniforms like art historians study old masters – a hero sleeve here, a Commando dagger there… subtle differences are all it takes.

To give you an idea of the sums of money we’re talking about, it’s going to cost the US Air Force (yes, the AIR FORCE) 237 million dollars just to replace their combat uniforms by 2021. Given a fair bit of this kit is going to be worn nowhere more hazardous than the flight-line at continental American air-bases, that’s a shit-ton of cash. And the US Navy, after issuing the hideous ‘Blueberry’ uniforms, decided on a greenish camouflage pattern called the Type III (the sea is blue, its boats are grey…) and is currently on the camo merry-go-round all over again.

And as for the US army’s Universal Camouflage Pattern? Introduced in 2004, this greyish-green digital design was berated by soldiers, with the saga being examined by the US Senate. For the avoidance of doubt, behold – US troops next to Australian troops (the Yanks are wearing the stuff that sticks out like a donkey’s bollock). Remember – this stuff was invented by EXPERTS.

And eventually, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the Americans finally adopted a version of Crye multi-cam (rechristened as the OCP or operational camouflage pattern), just like everyone else.

And this is just camouflage, boys and girls. Imagine what happens when they have to choose a new pistol?

The Future: invisible stuff and stealth-goats

Future wars: giant walking robots, drones, hi-tech smart munitions… right? Or Stalingrad-like urban warfare in environmentally-devastated third world favelas? Experts seem to think its more of the latter than the former, as any conventional war would see cyber-attacks targeting surveillance and comms systems as a priority. As our capability to neuter each other’s technological advantages increase exponentially, It might be that future wars will be more like the past. Yet…

Invisible Tanks!

Most future camouflage technologies are focussed on big-ticket pieces of military hardware, like tanks and aircraft. Bae systems are working on a system called ADAPTIV, allowing your tank look like something completely different to night optics. The temptation to transform your Challenger 2 into a herd of digital goats, attracting every horny ISIS fighter in a twenty-mile radius, must be strong.

Invisible Squaddies!

Clearly, no right-thinking infantryman is going to disguise himself as a goat, although there was that bloke in the mortar platoon… anyhow, look at this lot – HYPERSTEALTH. Don’t worry that they’re Canadian and their website looks like it was made by your granny, they’ve invented invisibility technology. Why this stuff isn’t standard issue is beyond me, but I suppose it makes sense – imagine a load of invisible squaddies… they’d shoplift all the beer from the Tidworth branch of Lidl without anyone ever knowing they were there. I imagine Wiltshire police have lobbied the MoD or something.

Invisible Russians!

Now we reach that murky hinterland where psychological warfare and technology meet – the Russian ‘Ratnik’ program!

Defence industry geeks know how Russia loves trolling the West with claims about their fiendishly advanced technologies. When they release a story about their latest robot death tank (etc) it’s lapped up by lazy journalists who don’t realise they’re simply part of a mischievous Kremlin propaganda offensive. They Russkis did this the last time, too – we all thought the Soviets had billions of T-90s ready to roll west, when in fact Ivan and his mates were all skull-fucked on antifreeze and the Red Army hadn’t even invented socks yet.

Their latest wheeze is invisibility armour. Like most stories concerning Russian defence tech, it’s curiously light on detail. Wonder why? Maybe the future of camouflage is each side spamming the internet with outrageous claims about their military capabilities, while tanks-that-look-like-goats roam sandy third world countries looking for perverts to kill…

Sounds about as likely as invisible Russians, when you think about it.