Forget artillery, tanks, battles and stuff… this week we’re talking boots. Next to weapons, boots are possiblythe most important bit of military kit. Unless you’re a signaller or something. They wear slippers. You know, the ones that look like novelty monster feet.

Most civilians will never truly understand the importance of a decent pair of boots. This is ‘cuz they’re clever, choosing not to work in warzones. For civvies, getting a sliver of gravel in your Crocs is one thing… but traipsing through Belize in a pair of DMS boots? Or cutting about Mesopotamia in a pair of melting combat highs?

Soldiers know if their feet are fucked, it’s game over. Therefore, one of the first lessons squaddies learn is field hygiene, including how to look after their trotters. This is usually via a practical demonstration of ‘this-little-piggy-went-to-market,’ performed by terrifying Geordie corporals armed with itchy socks, foot powder and bayonets. Why? Because ‘trench foot’ is gopping.

The Early Years, or what did the Romans ever do for us?

Forget aqueducts, orgies, hats made of leopard’s heads and all that stuff, the Romans’ most significant contribution to history was the army boot. They invaded the known world without four-tonners, didn’t they? Legionaries wore hob-nailed sandals called Caligae. Although primitive, they were almost certainly more comfortable than British army ammo boots. 

Despite the Roman hegemony in military footwear, the Caligae was rendered useless by one immovable force of nature – British weather. The shittiest posting in the Empire, Britannia was a foggy, murky, pissing-all-the-time shithole. Like Tidworth, really, but without Aldi and tattooed ladies. This led to the Romans inventing socks. And, given the pervy graffiti found on Hadrian’s Wall, I think it’s fair to say they invented the wanksock too. If any archaeologists want to have a punch-up over my theory, tough. I’m a lover not a fighter. A sock-lover.

In Soviet Union… boots walk you

Boot history is pleasingly small ‘c’ conservative, with no real innovation for hundreds of bloody years. Beyond buckles, I suppose, which is convenient if you’re a bone-idle punk historian like me. After the Romans, armies wore sandals, boots and shoes, often similar to civilian styles and patterns. It wasn’t really until the 1800s, when large standing armies appeared, that we see a leap forward in military footwear.Which brings us to Russia. We all know life in Russia is hard and tough and involves long queues for misshapen vegetables. No surprises, then, for guessing they pioneered army boots made from artificial leather. From 1904, Russian soldiers wore ‘Kirza’ boots, made of textiles impregnated with egg yolk, before the advent of synthetic latex. Kinky. Furthermore, Russians think socks are for girly-men, instead wearing special foot-wraps under their faux-leather jackboots. Even kinkier. Why? Heaven forfend anyone suggest there’s no point giving nice leather boots to soldiers destined for slaughter in suicidal wave attacks, comrade.

Ze Germans – We haffvays of making you walk

Imagine a typical German soldier from the Olden Days. He’s probably wearing jackboots, unless you’re into some very niche roleplay,you spiky-helmet obsessed freak. This isn’t that sort of website. Unless you like wank socks. Then this is definitely that type of website.

The iconic Wehrmacht jackboot (Marschstiefel, or ‘marching boot’), known as the Model 1939, became synonymous with evil, storm-trooping bastards. However, from 1943 the Germans began to run out of natural materials… like leather. As a result, German squaddies wore ankle boots and gaiters, not wildly different from his British opponents.

Then the Germans lost the war (at least they’re consistent). Their army kept on wearing jackboots until the 1960s, whereupon Teutonic engineering made a historic footwear breakthrough. Ze Germans had already pioneered the modern training shoe, a craze sparked by the 1936 Berlin Olympics. The Dassler brothers, Adolf and Rudolf, made their name creating track shoes, and in 1948 split their businesses into Puma and Adidas. By 1970 both companies claimed the design of the German army’s new gym shoe, the ‘Federal Defence Sports Shoe’. At this point, anyone who’s ever worn the piece-of-shit British army-issue plimsolls will wonder why we even bothered winning the war. Even in defeat, Ze Germans are wearing bloody Adidas as they jog around their centrally-heated gymnasiums. This design became the industry standard for the trainers much-loved by Casuals and rappers… unlike our plimsolls.

Meanwhile, in Blighty… 

For eighty years, the British army relied on the venerable lace-up ammo boot. Hobnailed and stiff, ammo boots were built for durability rather than comfort. These were worn with puttees (WW1) then gaiters (WW2) for ankle support and an element of water-proofing. Typically, for an army well-versed in bullshit, original ammo boots were issued brown but polished black. These were worn at the Somme and Ypres, Tobruk and Normandy, Malaya and Suez. And, dammit, our boys were victorious despite and not because of ‘em! There were variations – storemen working with fuel had hobnails removed to avoid sparks, as did commandos who wanted to creep around without sounding like a drill display team.

By the 1960s, the army decided to replace the crappy ammo boot with the nearly-as-crappy DMS boot. Standing for ‘Directly Moulded Sole’, it was brilliantly ill-suited to every kind of terrain apart from an Aldershot parade square, proving the KGB had penetrated MOD procurement. Teamed with puttees, the DMS boot had the water resistance of a flip-flop… and the ability to trigger trench foot in record time! However, it looked nice and shiny if bulled properly, so that’s alright then. After the 1982 Falklands War, where the DMS boot performed particularly badly, the army introduced ‘Boots, Combat, High’, (or Boots, Cardboard, Horrible) thereby replacing immersion foot with acute tendinitis. There were exceptions of course – who can forget the high-leg ‘Northern Ireland boot’ (AKA ‘Belfast Dancing Slippers’) or the slippery-as-fuck smooth-soled aircrew boot? Jungle boots were also a raffish (if not winterproof) option for the fashionable squaddie. And from the early 1990s, Magnum boots were all the rage among BAOR REMF-types not too worried about muddy puddles. Magnum ice-creams were also popular in command posts, but not Magnum pistols. Those are very, very dangerous.

2012 – The dawning of a New Era

2012: after a decade of fighting in godforsaken places full of suicide-bombing lunatics, the army finally decided to offer quality boots based on role and terrain! Soldiers recoiled in shock at such uncharacteristic logic, wondering what on earth might happen next?Would army accommodation come without issued damp? Would Sodexo offer food that wasn’t shit? Mind you, not everyone was happy. Soldiers had always privately purchased boots, but now (dammit!) issue kit was made by ally suppliers like Lowa and Alt-berg. Kit-monsters began wailing and gnashing teeth, the army draining the fun out of army boot Hipster-ism (‘I was wearing Lowa before they were issued, man’).

The Future

Although some of us are hoping for cybertronic rocket boots with missiles and stuff, we’ll probably end up with ‘Woke’ vegan-friendly combat boots for Generation ‘Z’ squaddies. After all, who wants to unleash MLRS barrages on mud huts full of insurgents while wearing a product made of animal skin? Ugh. That’s gross.

Anyhow, the future brings us back to an old Punk History favourite – our friends the Russians and their ‘Ratnik’ program. Ratnik (Russian for ‘Warrior’) is meant to be a super-scary ‘Terminator’ style kit upgrade for the Putin-era military. Many of us, however, think it’s a super-fun trolling exercise by those naughty Russkis, who love nothing more than winding up lazy Western defence journalists. Look at this dude – his super techno army boots aren’t made of cardboard, leatherette and egg yolk. Oh no. These super Putin-boots have MINE DETECTION SENSORS! This is from an army that thinks socks are decadent. Also, notice how the suit has a battery-pack mounted on the back of the boot – comfy, eh?

Let’s just hope the Russians offer a Vegan-friendly version!